The Father's Love Letter

Father's Day, June 20, 2004 (various)

Parents: Positively Pivotal

Parents have a powerful influence on us, for good or bad. The Lord designed families in such a way that one generation is to nurture the next; parents represent God's caring and leadership for youngsters in a tangible, hands-on sense until the children leave home and start making their own way in the world, answerable to God themselves. One of the Ten Commandments, "Honour your father and your mother" (Ex.20:12), alludes to this formative influence parents are to have on their young. Fathers in particular are held accountable in the Bible for the rearing of the next generation; Eph.6(4) says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Father's Day reminds us of the significant, irreplaceable role dads have in training up young people. Some fathers manage to do this better than others. Just this week, there was a court case on the news concerning a couple who actually locked their children in cages, and worse, when their behaviour was considered unsatisfactory.

When as parents we fall short, we may cause bitterness or an emptiness that not only blocks our children's relationship with us, but also sets them up to believe Satan's slander about God, who really desires to be their Heavenly Father through faith. The Lord is good and infinitely loving and desires to make Himself known to people for who He is; but we as parents sometimes set up a roadblock when we shortchange our children on the love they need, by abuse, indifference, or wrong priorities.

Barry Adams of St.Catharines Ontario is the author of the collection of paraphrased scriptures called "The Father's Love Letter". In this story he shares how he had a dad, but in adult life found himself excessively driven as a result of his father's love and approval being so conditional. Freedom and release came when Barry experienced the acceptance of his Heavenly Father and was able to forgive his dad in turn.

Barry Adams' Story: Easing the Flywheel

Barry Adams recalls: "...I [had] been a Christian for 20 plus years and was currently working as a pastor. Even though I was quite active in ministry, I knew in my heart something was still missing. The best way I could describe my struggle, was to say that I had something like a fly wheel spinning constantly and relentlessly in the deepest part of my being 24 hours a day. A never-ending drive that caused me to constantly strive and perform as if I was looking for something that I had not yet received. Even in the quiet of the night, I could feel the spinning, the planning and the anxiety it created, to constantly achieve something that seemed unachievable. I don't know when this all began in my life, but I was aware that it was with me as long as I could remember. While I was raised in a wonderful family, my father struggled with alcoholism. As a little boy, I can remember always wanting to please my dad and get his affirmation. Since my dad was very proficient in the sport of judo, my older brother, Craig and I, started to learn this sport with a vengeance. I can remember at 7 years of age, beginning to train for 2 hours per night in preparation for tournaments. My dad would take us everywhere and because of our workout schedule and my dad's teaching ability, it didn't take long before my brother and I became proficient at Judo at a provincial level. Unfortunately, my motivation was not rooted in the love of the sport, but in love for my dad. Every match that I would fight was not about winning for me, but for my dad. When I would lose, I would sometimes cry, not because I was a poor sport, but because I had felt that I let my dad down. This self-imposed burden was much too much for a seven-year old boy to carry.

As I grew up, this struggle impacted most other areas of my life. I became performance oriented and looked to be the best at everything that I did. When I got older this unhealthy drive for achievement and success affected both my church life and my career in the newspaper business. As a layperson, I always tried to be a conscientious church worker, usually juggling many portfolios within the church all at once. In my job in the newspaper business, I would always seek recognition in the form of promotions or industry recognition. In 1988, I won the national newspaper award for the best sales effort in Canada. In 1991, two of the projects that I worked on [won] other national awards, and other awards followed. It was at one of these award banquets that I realized that I had a serious problem. While still on the podium, I looked at the statue that I had just been given and said in my heart "What's next?" I was so driven, I couldn't even enjoy the moment of recognition for my effort. I knew deep inside that something was definitely wrong. I knew I had embraced an unhealthy need for achievement but I didn't know why. Since I didn't know the root cause or how to address [it], I kept on achieving.

...I knew that I needed to be free from this never-ending need for achievement and affirmation. I can remember during [a] prayer session, the Lord exposed the root cause of all my striving and anxiety. It really wasn't complex at all. All I was looking for was my father's love and affirmation. The light went on and I could see clearly that all my striving and my need for success was rooted in my need to be loved by my father. This revelation helped me to understand that it really wasn't my earthly father's love that I was looking for, but my Heavenly Father's. I took another step towards home.

...(Later, at a conference) Jack [Winter] spoke of God's love for us and His desire for us to know Him as our Father. He painted a glorious picture of a tender hearted, loving father, who loved to serve His children. My hunger intensified just listening to Jack describe God in a way that I have never heard before. The next morning James [Jordan] shared about the importance of forgiving our parents and our willingness to be sons to our earthly fathers. This was one of the keys in my heart that opened up what would happen later in the day. I thought I had already dealt with the forgiveness issues surrounding my dad, but I never realized that sometime in my life I stopped being a son to my father. Whether I had good reason or not, I realized that because I cut my heart off from being a son to my father, I couldn't be a son to anyone. I started to understand why my search for a spiritual father had not worked out either. Since I refused to be a son to my own earthly father, I couldn't be a son to anybody else. In response to James' message that Saturday morning, I truly repented of my refusal to be a son and purposed in my heart to ask my father's forgiveness for hardening my heart towards him.

...[in front of an audience at the conference] Jack asked me to share some of my story. All of a sudden I felt a wave of emotion coming over me. As a pastor, I was used to speaking publicly, but somehow this time was different. My bottom lip began to quiver, my knees began to knock, and I began to experience emotions that were very familiar to me as a young child. It felt like I was five years old again. Recalling some of the pain and disappointment that I felt as a child caused me to begin to weep in front of all these strangers. I had no idea that this pain and disappointment resided inside of me. I thought I had dealt with all that needed to be dealt with, but now it seemed obvious that I hadn't. After I was finished my tearful recount of my relationship with my dad, Jack came over to me and asked if he could stand in for my father. Through the blurred eyes of a little boy, I looked deep into Jack's eyes and nodded my approval like a little boy would to his father. Jack then stood in for my dad, and asked if I could forgive him for not being the father I needed. As Jack embraced me, I began to sob. While the pain was real, the tears seemed to wash away all of the disappointment, all of the unforgiveness and all of the hardness in my heart. It was one of the most wonderful experiences in my life.

Then Jack looked at me and asked "Can you forgive yourself for not being a good son to your father?" At this question I broke again. At [that] moment, I received forgiveness and restoration of sonship from God. Jack then began to minister the love of the Father to me as [I] cried like a baby with my head resting on his shoulder.

Wave upon wave of liquid love filled my empty heart. Jack's arms became the arms of my Father in heaven as he embraced me. A cleansing, soothing, presence filled me and comforted me like I had never felt before. I had found the Father that I was looking for all my life. A peace replaced the driven flywheel that had occupied my heart for so many years.

...[after the conference] I wanted to make good on my promise to ask for my dad's forgiveness for not being a good son. I thought that I might have a few weeks or even months to work up the courage. But within the first week, at my mom and dad's dinner table, an opportunity presented itself. The kids were playing in another room, and my mom and wife were in the kitchen. My dad and I were all alone at the table and he asked me about the retreat. I knew in my heart that this was the time. I felt nervous and awkward, but knew I had to go for it. I told him that I had something that I needed to talk with him about. His eyes lowered towards the floor as I think he might have expected to hear of another issue I had with him growing up.

I began to tell my dad about the retreat and almost immediately, I told him that I needed to ask for his forgiveness for not being a good son. I shared that the Lord [had] showed me that at an early age I stopped being a son from my heart. I didn't know when it happened, but I knew that I had turned my heart away from him and refused his fathering of me. I was unsure of how he would react to my confession.

To my surprise, his eyes filled with tears, and he immediately told me that he forgave me. He called my mom into the room and told me to tell her what I had just said, so I shared with my mom what I said and she began to cry. I realized at that moment how important it was for me to take responsibility for being a son. When I left the house that day, my father hugged me like I had never been hugged before. My prayer now was that Father God would teach me how to be a son to Him and a son to my dad.

I never realized how important that afternoon encounter with my earthly father was. This was the beginning of an incredible bond between father and son like I had never experienced before. I didn't know it at the time, but I only had 22 months left with my dad on this earth before he would be ushered into arms of Jesus. During that time I had the privilege of ministering Father's love to my dad just as Jack had ministered to me. And on my father's deathbed, God gave me the insight to ask for my father's blessing before he died. Lifting his weary arm so that he could touch my head, my dad prayed a prayer of blessing over me that encompassed my family, my ministry and my destiny...Being a son to my Heavenly Father and a son to my earthly father has impacted me and changed my life forever."

The Father's Self-Description in Scripture

For a few minutes, let's re-visit Barry Adams' compilation of Scripture paraphrases to summarize just a few of the main qualities God emphasizes about Himself as a Heavenly Father in the love letter He's given us in the Bible. We can all learn to appreciate Him more as His precious sons and daughters through trusting in Jesus. Those of us who are dads ourselves can take some pointers on key qualities of fathering.

At the very beginning, we're told God is AWARE AND ATTENTIVE to us. Psalm 139 suggests, "You may not know me, but I know everything about you...I know when you sit down and when you rise up...I am familiar with all your ways." Jesus emphasized God's detailed familiarity with us by saying, "Even the very hairs on your head are numbered!" God knew us even before we were conceived. (Mt.10:29ff; Jer.1:4f)

Having originated in our Heavenly Father lends a certain PURPOSEFULNESS to our life. He says, "I chose you when I planned creation...You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book...I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live...I knit you together in your mother's womb...My plan for your future has always been filled with hope." (Eph.1:11f; Ps.139:13,15f; Ac.17:26; Jeremiah 29:11)

The Lord DELIGHTS in us with an ULTIMATE DEVOTION. He tells us, "I...am the complete expression of love...it's my desire to lavish my love on you...You are my treasured possession...I love you with an everlasting love...I rejoice over you with singing." (1Jn.4:16; 3:1; Ex.19:5; Jer.31:3; Zeph.3:17)

Many dads see their role primarily as "bringing home the bacon", being the chief provider in the family. Too often we focus on this and neglect other aspects. Yet God is definitely a PROVIDER as a heavenly Father. He says, "Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand...I am your provider and I meet all your needs..I offer you more than your earthly father ever could...I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine." (Jas.1:17; Mt.6:31ff; 7:11; Eph.3:20)

But God wants much more than to just give us "stuff"; our Father is relational, seeking intimacy with us, desiring to be our COMFORTER. Not gruff, but tender. He says, "I am your greatest encourager...I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles...When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you; One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes." (2Thess.2:16f; 2Cor.1:3f; Ps.34:18; Rev.21:3f) What precious promises!

God's "Fatheringness" is inherent in His nature from all eternity, for there is already a Father-Son oneness and relationship imbedded in the Trinity. God is SEEN IN THE SON. God says, "in Jesus, my love for you is revealed...He is the exact representation of my being...Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled...His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you." (Jn.17:26; Heb.1:3; 2Cor.5:18f; 1Jn.4:10)

Most wonderful and baffling of all, the eternal Almighty God, Maker of the Universe, who calls the stars by name and floods space with billions of galaxies -- this vast, immeasurable God desires a relationship with us. In fact He's YEARNING FOR RESPONSE. "Delight in me," He beckons; "If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me...I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love...If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me...Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen...Will you be my child?...I am waiting for you." The Lord yearns to develop an intimate relationship with you and me, one on one. Fantastic! (Ps.37:4; Deut.4:29; Rom.8:31f; 1Jn.2:23; Lk.15:7,11ff; Jn.1:12f)

There's much more to fathering than just providing materially. Our children need to know that they matter to us, that we know them and seek to offer them direction and meaningful goals in their lives. They want desperately to see that we delight in them and care passionately for them. They need our comfort and reassurance in trouble, to be intimate with us, sharing life with all its ups and downs; and they need us to be pointing to Jesus who'll still be able to give them guidance long after we're out of the picture. In all these areas we can be imitating our Heavenly Father who seeks us out and is pleased to build into us what we lack.

Elizabeth's Story: Better than the Dad I Never Knew

We began with the story of Barry Adams, who had a father, though imperfect, and was able to reconnect with him later in life. What about those who are distant from their dads, or have missed out on having one altogether? Our Heavenly Father especially seeks to fill that void, to care for the orphan and father the fatherless.

A Canadian woman named Elisabeth hear about Barry's verion of "The Father's Love Letter" and wrote in to the website to share her story of how God brought emotional healing for her. She'd been severely hurt on the human fathering level. She wrote:

"My name is Elisabeth and I just wanted to let you know how important the last line in the Father's Love Letter was to me -- 'Love, Your Dad…Almighty God'.

My step-dad abused me from the time I was 2 until I was 13. I told on him and he went to jail and my mom ended up divorcing him. He blamed me for the abuse because he said that I teased him. The man that my mother married next constantly made sexual advances towards me. My mom finally left him because of this and other things.

I never met my real biological dad but did send him a letter while I was away at boarding school. When the school year ended, I received a phone call from a sister that I didn't even know I had. She told me that my real dad was going to surprise me with an early birthday present by phoning me in the next few days. I was so excited.

My stepbrother came to get me the next afternoon while I was babysitting down the road from my house. He told me that I had to get home right away. When I got home, my mom asked me to sit down as she has some bad news to tell me. She showed me the cover of our local newspaper where there was a photo of a terrible car accident. The sister that I had never met was killed and my father and a niece were severely injured. They died shortly after the accident. My heart broke on the spot.

I was so close to meeting and talking with my real dad. My dream of having a dad that really, truly loved me and wouldn't hurt me was destroyed in an instant...

So I guess my having a dad record isn't that great and I didn't think it would get any better until I read the Father's Love Letter on your website. You see, someone sent me the link to your website in response to a prayer request that I had sent on the Internet...[she had been considering suicide] I guess this is the right time for me to hear that God Almighty who is Jesus' father....is my dad now. And it sure helped hearing and reading that.

[this story, tragic as it is, does end on a very positive note: Elisabeth concludes --] My dream of a real family didn't die at all....it was just postponed until I was ready for it to come true...and with the right father. I don't know what kind of father my biological father would have been had he been alive and we met. He could have been mean or decided that he didn't want another child in his life and pushed me away, or worse… I could have been in that vehicle with them when it crashed. I now have a dad that will not do anything bad to me or leave me or hurt me in any way. I might not understand his reasoning for things that have happened in my life, but I will know it is for his Glory and my eternal betterment and growth."

How marvelous that despite all the suffering, the abuse and trauma and disappointment, God has still been able to bring a turnaround in this girl's life. Coming to know His love and care as promised in the Bible, she's been given real hope and purpose. Whatever our hurts and heart-aches may be, our gentle, loving, ultimately trustable Divine "Dad" still delights in healing us and drawing us to His side. Let's pray.