"Mercy and a Message for Meanies"
1 Samuel 24, 26
August 24/03
Response to Bullying: Bitter or Better?
With school starting up again in a couple of weeks, students are getting both excited and apprehensive. It's especially tense for young people who've moved and are having to adjust to a new setting, or students going from elementary school to high school or high school to college. Many new people to meet, friends to find, the challenge to fit in. Fears about being ridiculed or even picked on if you don't fit in. Part of my welcome to Grade 9 at Mitchell District High School happened while I was waiting for the bus to take me home after class one day. A big strapping Grade 10 bully and his younger sidekick came up behind me, grabbed the edge of my undershorts and gave me a wedgie!
It's no fun to be picked on or pushed around, whether by a classmate, co-worker, or even sometimes a spouse. It leaves you feeling helpless, ashamed, embarrassed, and worse than a nobody - you just want to crawl into a hole and hide. What do you do when people gang up on you and shove you around? As followers of Jesus, how should we respond? Increasingly today, educators and social workers are sounding an alarm about the destructive results bullying can have - not just on the self esteem of individuals, but on the lives of many as victims sometimes turn around and take out their frustration violently on others.
On April 28, 1999, a 14-year-old who had been a victim of bullying for many years walked into a high school in Taber, Alberta and randomly shot two students, injuring one and killing the other. The one who died was Jason Lang, 17-year-old son of Dale and Diane Lang; Dale is an Anglican priest. Now he spends much of his time travelling around Canada speaking to community groups and schools about the problem of bullying and the need for respect and forgiveness. The Brussels-Blyth ministerial is hosting events with Dale Lang in our area October 8 & 9; he's speaking to a day-long educators' workshop in Stratford on the subject of bullying on October 7. One article notes, "Because his son was an innocent victim of an angry bullied boy, Rev Lang has a deep personal interest in minimizing bullying everywhere. [He says] 'Since Jason's death, I've had people come to me -- some of them senior citizens -- and tell me about being bullied in grade school. They'll tell me they can still see the faces of the bullies...It made me realize how profoundly bullying can affect people.'"
So how can we respond as Christians when we're picked on? What is a better reaction than becoming bitter, resentful, and wanting to "get back at" the person who's hurt us? Today as we continue our investigation of the life of David in the Old Testament, we'll see how he was repeatedly picked on by a kingly bully, but the Lord directed David to a loving response that was merciful yet packed a message that eventually changed the bully's heart.
Two Encounters, One Common Pattern
1 Samuel chapters 24 and 26 contain accounts of two separate incidents which follow a similar pattern. Because of King Saul's intense jealousy of David's military success, emotional instability, and groundless suspicion that David could be plotting to assassinate him and take over the kingship, David is forced to flee for his life as a fugitive into the dry wilderness areas south of Judea, towards the Dead Sea. This was a no-man's land pock-marked with countless caves. Now when I say "cave" we probably envisage a dark hole in the side of a hill about 5' high and 15' deep at the most. But the caves in this area are so big that some can hold thousands of people. This made an ideal hiding place for David and the 600 or so disenfranchised other men who gathered around him.
In both cases, someone suggests to Saul that David is at such-and-such a place; Saul marshalls the 3000 select soldiers of his standing army and sets out to look for David. (Kind of an overkill, don't you think - 3000 to 600, 5 to 1? Sounds like a bully throwing his weight around to me.) In chapter 24, when Saul goes into one of the caves to answer nature's call, David "happens" to be in the back of it. Prompted by his associates, he cuts off a piece of Saul's robe, then confronts Saul after he leaves the cave. David points out that he could as easily have killed the king but obviously chose not to. Saul acknowledges David's righteousness, asks David to swear not to wipe out his descendants, then calls off the hunt - for the time being.
In chapter 26, there's a similar pattern. When Saul and his army draw close, David sneaks into their camp with a friend at night-time and takes the king's spear and water jug. Then from a safe distance he wakes them up and again points out that he could have taken Saul's life, but didn't. He spells out in more detail the effects of Saul's actions and tries to help the troubled king see how ludicrous his chasing is. Finally Saul acknowledges his error and foolishness, and promises not to hassle David again.
Let's look at these two stories side by side and draw out some Holy Spirit-inspired principles that can help us know how to deal with bullies in our own experience.
A Dozen Hints to Help when Hassled
1.Discern the Difference between "Ought" and "Opportunity"
In ch.24:4, when Saul just "happens" to pick the cave to enter by himself that David and his men are hiding in, David's associates say to him, "This is the day the LORD spoke of when he said to you, I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish." This may have been some unrecorded private revelation of God to David; at any rate, the implication is, "Here's your chance, David! Obviously God has brought your enemy right to you so vulnerably so you can finish him off, and all our problems will be over."
Similarly, in 26:8 when David and his companion Abishai have been able to sneak undetected into the enemy camp right up to the sleeping king's side, David's buddy says, "Today God has delivered your enemy into your hands.Now let me pin him to the ground with one thrust of my spear; I won’t strike him twice." In other words, "Here's your golden opportunity! Let's get him back for all the misery he's caused us - it's a piece of cake, it's meant to be."
In both cases, David refuses to pounce on his foe. The opportunity may be there, but he's not convinced it's God's will for him to act. So just because something comes about that presents us with an advantage over a bully doesn't mean we're supposed to act on it. Many times God may allow things to happen as a way of a test, whether we'll listen to Him or do what seems best in our own mind. Prov.14:12 says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." Our soulish desires can be directly contrary to the Spirit's wisdom. Pray to be able to recognize God's approach and timing.
(I) God is in control, and will deal with people in His own time
Paul in Acts 13(22) describes David as "a man after [God's] own heart", and that often involved David listening to his conscience. In 24:6 after David cuts off the corner of Saul's robe when prompted by his men to kill him, he is conscience-stricken and says, "The LORD forbid that I should do such a thing to my master, the LORD's anointed, or lift my hand against him; for he is the anointed of the LORD." Conscience recognizes God's role in matters, His ultimate rule over people, and His ultimate judging between the good and the bad. God is sovereign, it's not up to us to settle matters merely on a human scale.
Likewise, in 26:9-11 when Abishai asks David's consent to slay the sleeping Saul, David replies, "Don’t destroy him! Who can lay a hand on the LORD’s anointed and be guiltless? As surely as the LORD lives," he said, "the LORD himself will strike him; either his time will come and he will die, or he will go into battle and perish.But the LORD forbid that I should lay a hand on the LORD’s anointed." It's not up to me; God is boss, He will settle the score.
This is echoed in 24:12 when David says, "May the LORD judge between you and me. And may the LORD avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you." And 26:23: "The LORD rewards every man for his righteousness and faithfulness." Isn't this a blessing? Knowing God is the ultimate Judge takes us off the hook for having to feel like we need to get back at someone or "even the accounts". The apostle Paul, who was physically and verbally abused so often, had a similar attitude, writing in Romans 12(19), "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." Revenge is asking for trouble because we're trying to do the Lord's work for Him, and only HE knows the whole story and can dispense perfect justice. God's in control; let Him sort out the loose ends.
(I)The Offender too is loved by God and will give account
David refused to kill Saul because as he said in 24:6, "He is the anointed of the Lord". In other words, David recognized that Saul had been officially chosen by God through the prophet Samuel and was set apart to serve him in that kingly capacity. So the person who offends or hurts us is not a "devil" or animal but created by the Lord for relationship with Him; any sinner has the potential to be born anew into the Lord's "forever family" by the grace that Jesus offers us through the cross. Seek to hold onto respect and concern and prayer for your offender, even if you're tempted to write them off as sub-human. God is seeking to work in their life and draw them into relationship; respect them as loved by God.
(I)Have a redemptive outlook, considering the offender's life precious
"Go on! You can't mean that I'm supposed to pretend this beast is PRECIOUS, do you?" Jesus laid down His life for sinners, not saints - for you and me when we were at our worst, our most anti-God moments in our life. We were precious to Him, He loved us; He prayed for those who cursed and crucified Him, for God to forgive them (Lk.23:34).
Our goal in all this is a redemptive one, not for the other person to "get what's coming to them" as if we were to treat God like a junkyard dog and say, "Sik'em!" No, the goal is repentance, a change in attitude, winning over the other person and restoring them to healthy loving patterns of relating. In 24:16f, after hearing David's protest, Saul weeps aloud and admits, "You are more righteous than I...You have treated me well, but I have treated you badly." In 26:21 he's even more frank in his confession: "I have sinned.Come back, David my son.Because you considered my life precious today, I will not try to harm you again.Surely I have acted like a fool and have erred greatly." Did you hear that? David considered Saul's life PRECIOUS, the victim nonetheless valued the offender. That made the difference between a bloodbath and peace. The love shown him made the wrongdoer became truly repentant, and he changed his ways. David's approach was redemptive rather than seeking revenge.
(I)Refuse to be overcome by evil
Saul was perpetrating violence against an innocent victim. He had hurled his spear at David before and missed; now he's bringing 3000 others along who will be sure not to miss. But 24:7 says David rebuked his men and did not allow them to attack Saul. "Getting even" or a "pre-emptive strike" would just have dragged him down to the offender's level. V.13 shows David's philosophical side in a way that anticipates teaching in the New Testament: "As the old saying goes, ‘From evildoers come evil deeds,’ so my hand will not touch you." David draws a connection between who a person IS inside -- their heart or character -- and what they DO, their actions. As Jesus said in Luke 6(45), "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart..." To become violent in retaliation against someone is to let our spiritual enemy win, corrupting us. Paul urged believers not to be overcome by evil, but to overcome evil with good (Rom.12:21). Even if someone's treating you badly, the Lord can help you treat them better, rather than returning tit for tat.
(I) Find a buddy - Don't go it alone
In any kind of confrontation, taking a friend along brings both protection and perspective (or objectivity). In chapter 24, David has his guerilla buddies around him when he's in the cave. In chapter 26(6), he specifically asks, "Who will go down into the camp with me to Saul?" and Abishai volunteers to accompany him. Together they slip into the sleeping camp; together they deliberate; together they escape back out of enemy lines. David doesn't "go it alone", he requests help to deal with the bullies.
This is important: if you're being picked on or threatened, you especially need a friend, a buddy, someone who can be by your side should you have to deal with an offender. They're a witness for your protection; they also can see things from a different perspective, and help you determine if what you think is happening is really there or you've become paranoid. Find a friend.
(I) Play it safe
Should there come an opportunity to confront an offender or someone who's been harassing you, try to find a safe context in which to do it. In chapter 24, David waited until Saul had left the cave before he called to him. 26:13 tells us, "Then David crossed over to the other side and stood on top of the hill some distance away; there was a wide space between them." Don't endanger yourself unnecessarily or put yourself obviously at risk when dealing with a perpetrator. Keep a safe distance away if at all possible.
(I) Evidence demands a verdict
Interesting that in both instances David had some hard evidence in hand when he appealed to Saul. 24:11 reads, "See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you." In the second account, he asks, "Where are the king's spear and water jug that were near his head?" and allows one of Saul's young aides to come fetch the stolen spear (26:16,22). David wasn't making things up, he had proof in hand -- in this case, not of the injury but of his own mercy. The fact that he was being hunted down and forced to live in the desert was obvious enough.
The evidence hits home. Saul acknowledges in 24:18, "You have just now told me of the good you did to me..." There's no debating that David could have killed Saul but chose not to. It's not wrong to keep a journal or get documentation or official proof of what's been going on. Seeing it may be just what the offender needs in order to snap into realization of the effects of their actions.
(I) Care to Confront
We all need discipline and accountability. Discipline isn't just for children, it's vital to help us grow as persons and mature in godliness. We need people we trust and respect to ask us the hard questions, to gently and lovingly take us aside from time to time and show us our error when we're out of line. Such confrontation is usually not pleasant, but a loving rebuke can spare us from much heartache if our sinful hearts were left unchecked.
Note that David confronted the bully, Saul. He didn't just keep running all over the wilderness like a hunted fox. 26:5 records that "David set out and went to the place where Saul had camped": he was pro-active, he took the initiative, he seized the relative safety of night to deal with his opponent. In 24:11 he gets down to brass tacks and confronts Saul with these words: "Now understand and recognize that I am not guilty of wrongdoing or rebellion.I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life." In the other chapter (26:18) he says, "Why is my lord pursuing his servant? What have I done, and what wrong am I guilty of?"
Being "Christian", having a submissive spirit, does not mean one need remain caught hopelessly in a never-ending cycle of violence or injury. Suffering is not for its own sake but to lead to growth in us or another person. If there comes an opportunity in which it's safe to confront the bully, take it. God's holding them accountable for their deeds and is trying to teach them how to become conformed to Jesus' likeness, too. Confrontation (with the help of professionals if needed) can be the constructive first step on the way to recovery from a broken life.
(I)Describe the effects of the offender's actions
It is worth being as clear and complete as possible in describing the hurt that's been caused. In ch.24(11) David says, "You are hunting me down to take my life." In ch.26(19f) he goes into a little more detail about being cut off from his homeland and religious roots by Saul's maniacal opposition. "They have driven me from my share in the Lord's inheritance and have said, 'Go, serve other gods.' Now do not let my blood fall to the ground far from the presence of the Lord." There's a real sense of alienation, being a cast-off, sort of excommunication from the one relationship in life that David holds most dear - he relationship to God. So David tries to spell out for Saul the full implications of his actions, exactly how David's suffering.
(I)Add a dash of humility; word pictures
David's presentation of his complaint is very polite and orderly, not cutting or threatening or with an edge in his voice, but appealing. And he throws in some humility with colourful word pictures. 24:14: "Against whom has the king of Israel come out? Whom are you pursuing? A dead dog? A flea?" Or in chapter 26(20), "The king of Israel has come out to look for a flea -- as one hunts a partridge in the mountains." Perhaps David's likening himself to a dead dog or flea or partridge caused the corners of the other men's mouths to turn up in a glimmer of a smile - he was injecting some humour at his own expense. They could relate to those things. His words appealed to their imagination, presenting the situation in a different light. Word pictures drawn from the listener's experience have a powerful effect to get a message across. And by making himself the brunt of the joke, David was adding a touch of vulnerability, being big enough to poke fun at himself; inviting, rather than demanding, the other person to look at it from his point of view. Similar to Jesus' style of "emptying Himself" in Philippians 2, taking on the form of a servant even to death so we might be saved.
(I) Cut some slack: God will treat us as we treat others
Last, but not least, David and once-enemy Saul come to an appreciation that God deals with us as we deal with other people. Saul acknowledges David's mercy towards him in 24:19, "When a man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? May the LORD reward you well for the way you treated me today." And near the end of chapter 26(24), David states: "As surely as I valued your life today, so may the LORD value my life and deliver me from all trouble." D'you catch the New Testament undertones here? The acknowledgment of God's sovereignty (point 2) implies that God is the final judge; and this judgment is based on how we treat each other. Apart from Christ's love and forgiveness in our lives, left to our own fallen human resources and impulses, we'd be vengefully fighting tooth and claw, eye for an eye - or worse. But when we operate out of God's sacrificial love for other people and show mercy to them, God promises He will be merciful toward us. Our Lord Jesus linked "Love for God" and "love for other people" as part and parcel of the same Greatest Commandment. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus promised that the Father sees generosity we express to the needy in secret and will reward us for the way we help others (Mt.6:3f). The Lord's Prayer, at the very centre of our faith, asks for our sin-debt to be released AS we forgive others; immediately after (Mt.6:14f) Jesus spelled it out: "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." God will cut slack for those who cut slack for others.
The Messiah's Marvel of Mercy
Perhaps the most amazing aspect of these stories is the way David, an expert warrior, showed mercy to this unrelenting, very threatening and dangerous enemy. And God vindicated him. David came into the Kingship in God's good time and without the blood of Saul on his hands.
Forgiveness and mercy are gifts that go beyond our human means. It's hard to forgive a bully for the hurt they've caused you, but very necessary. It's your truly loving confrontation then, untainted by hatefulness or revenge or bitterness, that God can use to speak to their heart and convict them of their need for the reality of Jesus' new birth.
At the nationally televised memorial service for his son, Dale Lang called on students to end bullying and start treating each other with respect and love. He said, “Our problems are not going to be solved by technological wonders, more social programs or even counselling. Our problems stem right from the human heart, the essence of who we are...The answer to our woes can only be found in the healing of our hearts.”
He asked students there to set the example for other schools by banishing bullying. He said that awkward kids who dress funny or look strange should always feel at home at the school. He pledged to be there for the students whenever they need a kind ear or a shoulder to cry on. There was a spontaneous burst of applause toward the end when Lang asked God to bless the family of the 14-year-old boy accused of the shooting, and for the boy himself.
After a talk at a high school in London Ontario, Lang told the Ottawa Citizen about a significant outcome there. He said, "The principal told me that the biggest bully in the school approached him and said he wanted to get the bullied kids together to talk about how they feel."
What powers this capacity for forgiveness that we see in the survivors of Jason Lang's family? His father urges kids to open their hearts to God instead of turning to violence. He said, “I don’t want his death to simply be a meaningless, random act of violence that leaves us scarred and hurting. If Jason had to die, then I believe God is going to bring good out of that...I know of only one solution for this ailment: it is a relationship with Jesus.In my own life, it is Jesus who has healed me from the inside out.It is His presence in us that allows my family to both grieve in this time and experience joy as well.When we love God, He increases our capacity to love one another. There can be no safer place in the world than to be among people who love and care for you and who are loved by the creator of all life.”
Let's pray.