"Fathers -- Spiritual Defenders of the Home"

Father's Day, June 15/03

Ephesians 6:1-4,10-18

Ranting or Standing when "The Day of Evil" Comes?

A front-page newspaper photo this past Wednesday showed two people kissing - not all that unusual except that these two people were men. The picture was the first homosexual couple to be legally married in Ontario, just after Tuesday's Ontario Court of Appeal decision that it's unconstitutional not to allow same-sex couples to marry. The photo, like the decision, sparked an outpouring of protest. The editor of the London Free Press reports some readers cancelled their subscription; most callers said the photo was "disgusting", others said it was obscene, inappropriate, distasteful, unnecessary. The editor defended the choice to show the picture, saying a newspaper needs to "reflect the realities of the world". He added, "society is headed somewhere different, for better or for worse. Newspapers, if they are to remain relevant, must reflect this..."

             Meanwhile, Foreign Affairs minister Bill Graham made an "impassioned plea" to his Liberal Colleagues asking them to "live in the 21st Century" and accept the court ruling. NDP leader Layton also defended the decision, saying, "It shouldn't have to be up to couples to spend thousands of dollars going off to court when Canadians clearly support the idea they should be able to be married like anyone else." Notice the subtle implications here -- what "should" be, what's lawful, is determined by people's desires and popular opinion rather than by historic common law or traditional religious wisdom and teaching. Ethics and morality are replaced by the mores of the drive-through: "you want it, come and get it."

             Bible-believing Christians uphold the ideal that sex belongs in a permanent, covenant marriage relationship between a man and a woman. It's a healthy sign if we're a little shocked by such photos. It's challenging; Psalm 12(8) says, "The wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men." But there are more constructive responses we can make than just ranting and raving. Keep praying for our leaders, and for our MPs as they decide whether the federal government should appeal the ruling or refer questions to the Supreme Court. Keep voting and campaigning for what's right scripturally, and advising your member of Parliament in light of your convictions and Biblical truth. In addition, though, Father's Day reminds us that we have a grave responsibility in raising up and shaping the next generation; preventative action involves influencing impressionable youngsters as to what God's version of manhood and womanhood is about, convincing them of the worth of Christian values so they won't fall for sinful counterfeits.

             Ephesians 6:13 says we're to put on God's full armour "so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground..." Not if but when the evil day comes. Verse 12 acknowledges we're locked in a struggle, a wrestling match, not with flesh and blood, but spiritual forces of evil, the powers of this dark world. So we needn't be surprised by such photos, but ready for them, and worse. Jesus said to His followers, "You are the salt of the earth" (Mt.5:13) - back then salt was more important for preserving than for flavouring, as they didn't have refrigeration. Society is going "off"; the church's role is to be a preserving, saving influence, keep whole what otherwise tends to become rotten. If you went away for a week in the summer but forgot to put a roast in the freezer, leaving it on top instead, when you came back and discovered the roast had gone bad in the heat, you wouldn't blame the roast! It was your fault for not putting it in the freezer to preserve it. So the church's role is not to negatively blame society for going "off", but positively to preserve and flavour society by every means possible in a wholesome alternative direction.

             Fathers and mothers, in the key institution of the family, have a vital role in "salting" our culture. It's up to parents, chiefly, to pass on the best values of the previous generation to the next. D James Kennedy writes: "Karl Marx once said that in order to take over any nation, one must create a breach between one generation and the next, preventing the transfer of strong values, morals, and beliefs. We saw this in our own nation as the famed 'generation gap' between the youth of the sixties and the generation before them came closer to dividing fathers from sons and daughters than anything else in the history of this country. Since that time, we've seen the unraveling of the moral fabric of our nation, making our country vulnerable to influences of all kinds. But we can have hope...We need to teach our children the doctrines of our holy religion. We need to pray with them and for them, especially in these days of moral decline."

             Today it's appropriate that we wrap up our look at Ephesians with a few verses in which Paul emphasizes the responsibilities of parents and children in families. Also he offers the imagery of a well-outfitted soldier to describe the spiritual equipment we need in order to be prepared to stand in the battle against evil and corruption.

Chewing on the Lord's Training and Instruction

The beginning of chapter 6 is very direct and to the point about relationships between parents and children. Verse 1 says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." The word translated "obey" is structurally akin to "listen-under", or as we would say, "listen up! pay attention!" It is "right" for children to heed their parents in light of the sacrifices parenting requires, it's a response owed by those who are being nurtured. Verse 2 looks back to the Ten Commandments: "Honour your father and mother..." Parents aren't perfect, but they are worthy of respect; families are a necessary microcosm, a society in miniature, a training ground in which we learn to be governed by authority before being "on our own" with more liberty as an adult. We're not as smart as we think; though parents don't know everything, they do have the advantage of precious experience, and can teach us many things by example or from what they've learned by their mistakes. Parents stand in the place of God to their young children who depend totally upon them; our role as parents is to be stepping-stones so our children can learn to trust and love God as they've felt safe to do that with us for a few brief decades.

             Verse 4 is the most pertinent to Father's Day: it's the single most relevant verse for dads in all of Paul's writings, perhaps in the whole Bible. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." There, that's it - short and direct. Not a 200 page manual on child-rearing, just a couple of simple commands. Shouldn't be hard to remember; but do we do it?

             "Do not exasperate your children." NRSV says, "Do not provoke your children to anger." Col.3(21) has a similar idea: "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." What might dads do that exasperates or angers or embitters kids? One commentary notes that "unreasonable rebukes, intemperate language, cruelty" can produce resentment on the part of our children. Most of us, if we dig a little bit, may remember something our parents blurted out that hurt us, a careless word when they were tired that cut us, a time that the consequences dished out didn't seem to match the misbehaviour, a time we felt treated unfairly and resented it or longed to protest but didn't dare. Maybe a time when spanking had outlived its usefulness and we felt demeaned, or were otherwise humiliated. It's hard for someone who feels respected and appreciated to also feel exasperated.

             A common problem is holding youngsters accountable for something that wasn't clearly communicated to them. Where expectations are clearly laid out and agreed upon or at least understood, rewards and consequences make sense. Arrange for consequences that suit the gravity of the negative behaviour, not something disproportionate. That makes it easier to accept. Our goal in parenting is not to keep them in the corral forever, but gradually be enlarging the training area, preparing them to be able to develop their own guidelines, be self-governed, make wise decisions using their own heads as young adults based on sources and factors similar to what a believing parent would use. Pour on lots of praise when they get it right. Create safe environments in which they can take risks, spread their wings, even if they sometimes fail. Our children don't belong to us, they're an inheritance or trust from the Lord; so the relationship isn't that of a prison-camp commandant, but more like an athletics coach, cheering them and urging them on.

             The second half of verse 4 gives dads the positive command, "Bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." There are 3 main words here in the original language. "Bring them up" is related to nourish or nurture, supplying something for someone to chew on, be fed by. Dads, are you giving your kids "food for thought"? Are you actively parenting, in their face or by their side as the need may be? That can't happen if a father is silent, absent, preoccupied with meetings or his own recreation or just plain too busy. Neglect is a subtle form of abuse; our boys and girls are crying out for our time and attention.

             Monty Roberts is a veteran non-violent horse trainer whose book The Man who Listens to Horses spent over a year at the top of bestseller lists. He recalls, "I was walking down Main Street in our hometown of Salinas one day; I would guess I was about ten at the time. I looked ahead and saw my father walking directly toward me. As he approached, I said, "Hi Dad!" but he looked at me and kept walking. I couldn't decide if he had seen me or not so I said, "Dad...Hello!" He was only about 3 feet from me and he looked directly at me. I could tell that he recognized me, that he knew me, but he gave no response at all. He passed me, turned to the left, and crossed the street; again I called out to him, "Dad.Hey!" I shouted loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear, but he just kept walking. I returned to school, hurt and puzzled, trying to figure out in my mind what I could have done to upset him and cause him to so deliberately ignore me. I harboured this hurt for many years. My father's recognition of me was important, particularly at that age...In a sense, it was a small incident, but it reflected a huge coldness, a void between us, which I simply could never come to grips with...We finally reached a silent understanding. During a confrontation years later, I asked him if he remembered that day on the street when he ignored me. He looked at me and said, 'I didn't have anything to say to you.' I let it go, because I guess that was an answer; by then I knew it would achieve nothing to point out that I had not been asking for a conversation that day in Salinas, merely an acknowledgment of my presence." Roberts' father had missed a golden opportunity in "bringing up" his son - a few words would have made a tremendous affirming difference.

             Paul mentions "training" - a word that relates to the whole training and education of children; it "relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose now commands and admonitions, now reproof and correction." NRSV translates this as "discipline". Perhaps we can refer to this as the "do's and don'ts" aspect of child-rearing. Be very clear on what's expected and what's forbidden, where the boundaries are. Follow through on what you said. Have reasonable consequences, make them stick, but remember to always affirm your child and re-assure them of your love regardless of their behaviour. Dr.Dobson's book Dare to Discipline is a classic and will save you much grief in later years. Unfortunately, some fathers leave it to the mother to carry out disciplinary measures. This forces a woman into a rather unfeminine authoritarian role, which coupled with a silent or uninvolved father could really cross some wires in a kid's brain as regards gender role perception. Thus society becomes confused and our behaviour bizarre.

             In training, having clearly communicated expectations is essential. Monty Roberts and his wife Pat have raised more than 3 dozen children and young people. In his book Horse Sense for People, he recommends a Blackboard System that he's found works well. Each child has 2 boards on a wall outside their room, one for "Positives" and the other for "Negatives". The parent and child agree upon rewards and consequences based on specific behavioural objectives. They initial the boards at the bottom just like a contract. For example, if 4-year-old Sally delights in spitting at people, the positive contract might read: "No spitting at anyone for two full days and I will take you to visit your grandma." The negative might say, "If you spit on anyone within the next two days, you will scrub one tile in the shower." A child might have 3 things on each board, a teen 5 or 7. An example for teens might be: positive - "An unexpectedly high grade in school: a party for all your friends." Negative - "A failing grade in school: no evening privileges for two weeks, extra study time." Roberts comments, "The primary objective of this system is to bypass the parent as the administrator of discipline or punishment.It sets up a contract whereby child and parent bilaterally agree on the response to positive or negative behaviour. A secondary goal (possibly even more important) is to bring the young person to an understanding of contracts and responsibilities.

             Paul speaks of "the training and instruction of the Lord". The word behind "instruction" means literally "setting the mind in place", shaping and establishing a person's outlook, their attitude and worldview. This goes beyond the simple "do's and don'ts" to the much broader area of why we do what we do, beyond rewards and consequences to developing goals and initiative and an approach to life. Why in our house do we not look at things the same way as the people next door? What does a Christian take into consideration that other people don't? What are our key values, what's precious to us, and why? One role of a parent is to broaden their child's experience, so that when a situation happens they will be able to know how to respond. In the news, an 8-year-old girl came home and shocked her mother by telling her what a group of kids had watched on the classroom computer that day -- thus sparking a call for effective internet filtering software. How many of the other kids didn't tell their parents? When your teen is offered some drugs or alcohol at a friend's home or party, have you already talked about the dangers and how to respond?

             Dads, jealously guard the privilege of shaping your children's worldview. There are many choices for entertainment today through satellite and cable TV, computer games, and the internet, but don't renege on your responsibility and let the world usurp the father's role of instruction. Do you know what your children are watching? Do you talk about what they see on TV? Do they know how to pick a good video? Is the computer monitor positioned so that passersby can see?

             Monty Roberts is renowned for using gentleness and listening rather than violence to saddle-train horses. Although as far as I can tell he doesn't write from a Christian perspective, he is amazed at how much violence is promoted in our society. Commenting on the Columbine High School shootings he writes, "As a society we have engineered and very carefully created the environment where this type of destructive behaviour is inevitable, where children can kill, and then kill themselves...Over the last 30 years we've set out to foster certain traits, which are key in forming the behavioural patterns of young people. We have, for instance, created a cable television network on which we have consciously supported many channels devoted to the 24-hour airing of movies. A quick survey of these channels on any given night reveals that most of them will be running movies in which dozens of people are being killed in scene after scene. The incredible effort that is expended in finding new and more exciting ways to commit violent acts is overwhelming...Was it surprising that those two boys [the Columbine killers] named the most influential computer games as their role models? That one of these teenagers showed a shotgun that he intended to use in the killings and announced that it was named after a prominent character in a video game?...It is easy to blame the entertainment industry for the content we criticize, but it would not exist if our society did not want it. We consciously buy theater tickets and turn on the television set.The entertainment industry only responds to our demands...So we can choose to stop overt, violent entertainment very quickly. We can choose to be aware of the examples we offer children."

             Make it the Lord's training and instruction...not the tube's!

Dress Up -- It's Dangerous Out There!

We would think a parent was pretty mean and abusive if they sent their four-year-old out to play in the snow wearing only shorts. Dressing little kids up is just part of parenting. That's why parents of wee ones are so glad to see summer come, you don't have to spend an hour dressing and undressing them in their winter gear just for ten minutes outdoors!

             Yet in the spiritual sense, too many dad today are sending their offspring out into the spiritual battle or wrestling match wearing practically no protection, no equipment. So the last section of Ephesians is devoted to describing the spiritual armour -- "full armour of God" as he calls it -- that Christians need to survive spiritually. Since this is Father's Day, let's ask ourselves how we can outfit our offspring with each piece of protection.

             V.14, "the belt of truth buckled around your waist": the belt was what kept the soldier's armour in place and supported the sword which hung at his side. We might call this the basic facts of the Christian worldview: essential truths, like those summarized in the Apostles' Creed or 1 Corinthians 15, God's reaching out to save us by the historical event of Jesus' death and resurrection, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and prospect of Jesus' return some day as Judge.

             "The breastplate of righteousness": not only our positional righteousness before God received by faith, thanks to Christ paying our sin-debt; this would also relate to our purity in Christian conduct. Do your kids know you to be a man of integrity, who keeps your promises, and are honest in your dealings? Little things like explaining to them why you gave money back to the cashier when they made a mistake and gave you too much change. The breastplate of righteousness protects our heart, it relates to our innermost motives -- keep them pure.

             V.15, "with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace": Have you explained to the next generation a simple way they can remember to share the good news about Jesus? When you have company over, do you ever get around to talking about spiritual matters, or is religion a forbidden subject?

             V.16 refers to "the shield of faith": The Roman shield was a big rectangular thing 4.5 feet long which could protect the whole body. Faith concerns heart-felt trust, what's most important to us, our priorities. What would our kids say matters most to us - our relationship with God and being there for our family, or lesser goals like accumulating toys or playing? What do we base our confidence in? Kids will be watching most closely to see our reaction when things go wrong - a job opportunity falls through, we encounter business setbacks - it's our response in trials that tells what we're really trusting in.

             V.17, "the helmet of salvation": this isn't your basic inverted metal bowl like modern helmets; the Roman helmet was meant to be seen, complete with decorative plume, a showy sign of victory. In 2Cor.2(14f) Paul talks of God leading us in "triumphal procession in Christ", spreading the fragrance of knowing Him everywhere; "we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing." Being assured we're saved ought to brighten our disposition and attract others to Jesus in us. This might soften our temper; a tendency to break out in a rage would be offset by assurance of God's unconditional love and security.

             "The Sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God": so far the equipment has been defensive, now we're getting to the offensive weapons, spiritually speaking. Here Scripture is clearly meant, inspired by the Spirit, piercing to the core of people's souls. Have we trained our young by reading them Bible stories, teaching them how to have a devotional time, encouraging them to memorize verses? In the military we did a lot of "drill" so that in action you didn't have to think about how to respond, it came automatically. Recently at a wedding a bride recalled how special the memory was to her of learning her first verse while sitting on her father's knee. In years to come, he'll be long gone, but the verse and the precious memory will still be with her.

             Last, v.18 doesn't specifically mention a piece of armour, but perhaps we can picture it as arrows: "pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." Have we modeled for our kids how to shoot off an arrow prayer in an emergency? Or in the sense of an AWACS surveillance aircraft patrolling high in the sky, how to have our prayer "radar" operating, listening for God's voice, sensing enemy intrusions? Have our kids caught us unexpectedly being still in prayer, standing in the Council of the Lord for instructions? When they hear us pray, are our prayers stiff and formal, or as if in an ongoing loving conversation, as Jesus spoke to his "Abba/Papa"?

A General's Prayer

Paul lays squarely at the feet of dads the role of spiritual leadership and defense in the home. It's a high calling and great privilege to equip our youngsters spiritually to wrestle with the dark powers and invisible forces. They need the best armour possible. The fate of the next generation depends on our families' ability to train up Godly offspring who will be salt and light, in tune with the Lord's prayer for the Father's Kingdom to come, His will be done on earth as in heaven.

             I close with a prayer by a soldier who knew a thing or two about battle, General Douglas MacArthur - a prayer that shows he knew the importance of the calling of fatherhood:

O, Lord...Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high, a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past. (Let's continue in prayer...)