"Glue for Fractured Families"

Mother's Day, May 11/03

Ephesians 2

Fractures in the Family, Fallout in Society

As the years pass, it seems Mother's Day is getting more and more complicated to celebrate. For one thing, families are living farther apart, so it's harder for them to be able to manage the distance to get together. It's not just a matter of hitching up the horses and travelling a mile or two to the home farm. Also, living arrangements are much more complex than they used to be: separations and divorces and remarriages and single-parent situations produce a whole variety of family configurations that may be quite different from the traditional "nuclear family" model. With all the added pressures and temptations and stresses in today's world, mothers - and families - are feeling the strain. Even in families that are holding together, members can be at odds, wanting to do their own thing; life's tangled web of friends and relationships and schedules conspires to make it hard even to sit down together all at one time. It's like families find themselves on one of those spinner whirlygigs at playgrounds that, the faster you go, the more you're likely to go flying off in different directions. Yet we sense that families were meant to be places of bonding and love and security. Where can we find some "glue" that will help hold things together?

        When families suffer, society suffers. The failure of families results in damaging fallout in society. Many of the woes having to be dealt with by society's caretakers (police and medical personnel, for instance) are a result of the problems in the family. Not long ago vehicles parked along Blyth's main street were vandalized; out in the country, mailboxes were smashed. Did the parents of the perpetrators know or care where their offspring were, or who they were hanging around with? What went wrong in these families, that the kids didn't learn to show more respect for others' property? In the case of teen pregnancies, often the young women are trying to compensate for the lack of affection and approval they feel from their own dads, so they resort to conditional physical involvement from young men who want short-term pleasure regardless of long-term consequences. And how many caught in the chains of drug abuse are just copying what they see in their parents, as mom or dad turn to alcohol or tobacco as an anesthetic for life's stress? Or it may be a symptom of the youngsters not feeling their parents are "on board" with their future plans. So our "quick fix" human solutions for dealing with relational pain end up causing more grief and alienation over time.

        Where can we find glue for fractured families? God's Word in Ephesians holds out hope because Jesus has brought back together, not only God and people, but also very different groups of people into the family of God called the church. So this Mother's Day, let's see what ingredients are mentioned here that can help hold our families together against the centrifugal forces that would shatter them.

The Jesus Project: Joining Together Enemies into God's Household

A couple of sections in Ephesians 2 describe just how alienated we were from God and from other people. First, vv.1-3 say we were "objects of God's wrath": "You were dead in your transgressions and sins" - not only the actual wrongs we'd committed, but our sinfulness, our corrupt "bentness" that predisposes us to turn our back on the Lord. We were intent on "gratifying the cravings" of our flesh, following its desires and thoughts. Paul writes, "You followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air" (that is, Satan), the spirit energizing all who are disobedient - ever since we went through the "terrible twos"! The rebellious spirit who silently chuckles whenever we stamp our foot and demand to get our own way. With regard to a Holy God, we were "dead meat".

        As if it's not bad enough to be an enemy of God, we were also enemies of one another. In vv.11-12 Paul describes the inter-racial hostility that separated Gentiles and Jews - though this can be taken more generally as the fracture of our relationships with other people. We were foreigners to the covenants of God's promise, with no claim to any earthly inheritance with God's chosen people. V.14 describes this inter-personal division as a "barrier, the dividing wall of hostility". If you've ever been mad at another person, this separation due to selfishness and sin's effect is what you've been feeling. A hostility like that which sent millions of Jews to their death 60 years ago, or which caused Saddam's soldiers to bury thousands of Shia men and boys in a mass grave more recently. Jesus warned that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment; it doesn't have to actually work its way out to murder (Mt.5:22).

        But the Good News or "Gospel" is that Jesus came so we could truly love and be joined with God and each other. V.6, "God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus..."; v.18, "through Him [Christ] we both [Jews & Gentiles] have access to the Father by one Spirit." You may think SARS screening is a pain: but we were so sin-infested and guilt-laden there would be no chance of anyone ever getting into heaven! Jesus died in our place so our sin infection could be totally eradicated, and we'd get the "green light" to enter the throne room of God as His dear children. Access is ours, we can turn to God instantly in prayer anytime we choose. What a privilege!

        Paul also describes the reunion among people-groups Jesus has made possible. V.13, "Now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ." V.16, Jesus in His flesh abolished our infractions against God's law and reconciled both Jews and Gentiles to God through the cross, putting to death their hostility. V.17, He has brought peace to those far and near - true peace that extends into eternity, peace with God, and peace with those who are different from us.

        Jesus is God's glue, sent to hold the universe together (we saw last week how God's overarching purpose is to bring all things together in Christ -Eph.1:10). As a result, v.19 says we are "no longer foreigners and aliens, but members of God's household" - part of God's family! Jesus is the One who has the saving, healing power to bring God's household together - and He can have that same impact in our homes. V.21, "In Him [Christ] the whole building [of God's people] is joined together..." The Greek word here has a root literally "lego'ed together", like the little snap blocks. He re-sculpts us so we can connect. V.22, "And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit." The Ephesians, likely as a group of house churches, were finding themselves united by a common belief in their Saviour; God was making them a witness in their community by their love for and joy in Him and each other.

The Glue's Ingredients

So what exactly is IN this heavenly glue that can weld together people with God and each other? How can we apply this in our families to heal over the fractures that develop in everyday living, with God's help?

a.  Active Love and Kindness

A principal ingredient is active love and kindness. V.4, "Because of His great love for us, God...made us alive with Christ..." The word is "agape", God's unconditional brand of love. V.7, God has raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him so that in the ages to come He might show His grace "expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus." Did you get that? God brings us into eternity so He might lavish kindness on us! And when we were spiritual "road kill" - dead in our transgressions in the first place - it was the Father's infinite love that moved toward us and arranged for Christ to be our atonement. This isn't just a passing emotion, but love-in-action. Vv.13-16 describe how it was made manifest: "through the blood of Christ", abolishing our hostility "in His flesh", we were reconciled to God "through the cross". Love that gets splinters and scars in its skin.

        How many families today, kids but also mothers and fathers too, are just crying out silently for practical expressions of love and kindness? Nothing else can take the place of filling that love tank, making deposits into the love-account we all tally in our relationships. Parents are called to be "God with skin on" to our offspring, showing tangible loving and thoughtful kindness. In Gloria Gaither's book What My Parents Did Right, Christian teacher and broadcaster Kay Arthur says, "I've...never doubted my parents' love for me -- even though I messed up my relationship with them before I was saved, and even afterwards! And although I knew they were not always pleased with my behaviour or my response to them, I've always known that they loved me unconditionally and that they believed in me.I remember when, as I entered womanhood, Mom and Dad sat me down and told me that, no matter what happened and no matter what I did, I could always come home.And because of what those words meant to me, I said the same thing to my sons.I remember a childhood filled with affection -- lots of kisses, lots of hugs, lots of spoken 'I love you's'.I never wanted for physical affection and, because of what that affection meant to me, I gave the same thing to my sons.I grew up in a home where love was openly talked about and warmly expressed."

        Christian psychologist Dr.Larry Crabb recalls that, more than the value of affection, "I also learned that you're not an imposition to people who love you.As a kid, I struggled with two embarrassing problems.Neither difficulty was fashionable among my peers, so my self-esteem was not terribly strong.One of my problems was stuttering, so every week for months Mother drove me all the way from the suburbs of Philadelphia where we lived to the Temple University Speech Clinic in Center City.My other problem was acne, so Mother regularly aimed the car in a different direction toward the dermatologist who picked, burned, and medicated my face to help me feel better about myself.I can't recall Mother ever complaining about the considerable time she spent carting me to speech therapists and skin doctors.Because she never complained, I never felt like an imposition.I learned from her something about the importance of sacrificial giving in a relationship." Both sets of parents were showing God's love and kindness in practical ways, with skin on.

♢Rich Grace and Mercy

It's easy to love someone until they mess up. So another important ingredient in God's healing "glue" is grace, mercy, forgiving and compensating for the other's faults. In vv.4-8 Paul says God is "rich in mercy", then three times mentions grace: "It is by grace you have been saved...He might show the incomparable riches of His grace...[again]For it is by grace you have been saved" -- received by faith, not earned by works, so this saving grace is completely God's free gift to us! At the very heart of Christianity is grace, it's God's grace through Jesus that makes this religion unique -- "For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." In v.7 Paul writes of the INCOMPARABLE riches of God's grace: the Greek word behind "incomparable" has the idea "to throw over or beyond", as in, God's grace hits obstacles right out of the park!

        Families will be helped to stay together then as parents learn to show much forgiveness, overlook failings, cover the cost of kids' goof-ups, and encourage them to try again. Our homes ought to be safe environments in which to fail, not tense courts of judgment where there's a big gavel or sledge hammer ready to fall on the head of someone who messes up. This past week at a seminar on leadership, Emmanuel Bible College President Derrick Mueller said something like this: "The person on your team who makes the biggest mistake will also be the one capable of the biggest success."

        Larry Crabb experienced grace and mercy from his parents. He writes, "As I grew up, I never felt overwhelmed with advice.I felt respected, even when I did dumb things.Once, when I was perhaps 17, I became enraged with our youth leader over what I regarded as his narrowly legalistic attitude in a certain matter.Our debate turned into a heated yelling match that ended when I hurled a hymn book across the room in his direction, stomped out the door, and drove home.I knew I was wrong.When I walked into our house, Dad was on the phone with the man I had assaulted, listening to a tirade against me.I wondered what Dad would do.I heard him end the phone conversation with something like, "Sounds as if he didn't handle things very well, but I'm glad he has spunk enough to have real convictions." He hung up, turned to me, and calmly asked what had happened.He listened as I presented a terribly biased account of the incident, and then he commented on the importance of handling convictions responsibly.That was it.He went on with his evening and I felt respected.I also resolved to express my convictions in a more godly fashion."

♢   Good Works

We are not saved by good works; we are saved by Christ's work at the cross on our behalf, which we simply receive by faith as a "done deal". Yet good works are unquestionably part of God's goal for us as part of His family. V.10, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Healthy families discover unity and blessing in contributing good works to the community in some way. I think farm families have a definite advantage in this respect: we 3 boys growing up on a dairy farm were incorporated into the family enterprise as soon as we could pull the rope that opened the door to let the cows into the milking parlour. As time went on, we spread straw, picked stones, drove tractors and heavy machinery, all the while learning responsibility and feeling like we were making a contribution to society. We watched as our father participated in a "bee" to get the fields planted of a man a couple of miles away who'd been injured in an accident.

        It's a great temptation for youngsters today to while away their time in front of the tube or playing computer games; though who can blame them if they see their parents just caught up in their own amusements? Jesus' Kingdom influence in us would combat this order's tendency to just cocoon in our private entertainments. Group sports have the potential to build teamwork. Scouts and Guides, church youth groups, camp counselling, community work such as a paper route or snow shovelling or lawn cutting -- all these are in the healthy direction of "good works", getting God's people out in circulation for the benefit of our neighbour. Productive employed or volunteering youth soon find they don't have time to get sidetracked into wrong, idle pursuits.

        Joni Eareckson Tada was a healthy young girl before the diving accident in 1976 that paralyzed her from the shoulders down. In her home, responsibility for weekly chores was not taken lightly. She recalls, "family work days taught us spiritual lessons.When I was still small, my mother would often take me to Grandmom's house on cleaning days.I would help her carry in the buckets, the mops, and the Spic'n'span, and then she would delegate one corner of the kitchen floor for me to scrub with my little sponge.That was something I could definitely handle.Thankfully, she didn't expect me to scrub the entire kitchen -- that would have been more than a little demoralizing.But I did just fine with my corner, and I noticed that, as I got older, the size of my corner grew.The time came when I was expected to clean the entire kitchen floor -- plus the counter top and appliances.My mother so delegated the responsibility that I didn't resent the increased workload.Instead I welcomed it as a sign that I was an 'adult'."

        Dr.Tony Campolo is a well-known evangelical sociologist, speaker, and advocate for the poor. He founded an organization involved in educational, medical, and economic programs in various Third World countries including Haiti and the Dominican Republic. Meanwhile in Pennsylvania, he heads a program for urban youth. What first sparked zeal for loving deeds in him? He writes, "My mother constantly wrote notes and letters. I could never figure out where she got all the postage stamps. It seemed like she spent more on mail than her income could possibly allow. When people were sick, they got notes of encouragement from Mom. She sent notes of congratulations to every kid she knew who graduated from high school, and only God knows how many $5 bills she slipped into envelopes and set anonymously to people she knew who had special financial needs. She was a poor woman, but giving away the little she had gave her more fun than anything else."

♢   Christ the Chief Cornerstone

Love and kindness, grace and mercy, good works...these are all ingredients in God's glue to help families bond together. But we still haven't covered a key item. Paul writes in v.20 that God's household is "built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone." How do we build on the apostles and prophets? We have their message in a specially, divinely prepared book, the Bible. Read Bible stories to your kids as soon as they're ready for bedtime stories. Take them to church and midweek groups where Scripture is related to daily life. Guide them to discover the joy of their own personal daily time in the Word. But the teaching of the apostles and prophets is the foundation, not the cornerstone: that's Jesus Christ Himself, He's alive! He's waiting to talk with us in prayer! What's that saying -- "The family that prays together....(stays) together." Some families even set an extra chair at the table to remind them Jesus is the constant companion of believers. We're guarded together in the Shepherd's hand, from which we're unsnatchable (Jn.10:28).

        When the next generation sees us as parents turning to the Lord for guidance, spending time with and enjoying Him, religion doesn't stay in that Sunday "box" but becomes part of everyday life. As parents we can model vulnerability and accountability for our kids, rather than seeming like we have to manage everything ourselves or be our own independent "boss". Some day - sooner than you think - your children will have grown up and you will no longer be part of the picture. Better for them to have learned already by then to transfer oversight of their lives from you to the Lord, who can be with them wherever they go.

        What does it look like to make Jesus the cornerstone in our family? Some simple ways are grace at mealtimes, occasional devotions and group prayer, being ready to fast forward through a questionable video or even stop and leave it unfinished. You might decide to forego a trip to Canada's Wonderland and instead support a friend who's going on a mission trip, or sponsor a child, or someone doing the 30 hour famine. Just let Jesus lead you rather than sheer duty.

        Danae Dobson, daughter of Dr.Jim & Shirley Dobson, writes: "Each year at Christmastime we have a 'candle-light ceremony'.Everyone sits in a circle and holds an unlighted candle.One at a time, we share something from the previous year we're thankful to God for and something we're hoping for in the new year.After one individual has shared, he or she lights the next person's candle, and it continues until all the candles are lighted.This has always been one of my favourite traditions, representing the unity of our family and dependence upon the Lord.It gives all of us a sense of spiritual renewal and optimism for the coming year.My mother originated this ceremony, and it will certainly be passed down to the generations to come."

        A mother's faith can have lasting impact not only on her offspring, but thousands of persons to whom her children relate. Truett Cathy launched the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain, which is now in 31 states and over 450 malls. He recalls, "Growing up in a boarding house introduced me to hard work and taught me the value of diligent labour.I am grateful to my parents, especially my mother, for teaching me how to do the best I can whatever the task might be and for instilling in me the importance of Sunday, the Lord's Day, and how we should keep it holy.Working hard is important, but I saw growing up that honouring God -- especially on His day -- is the top priority.I carried this teaching into my own business, the Chick-fil-A chain...I know that the nearly 20,000 Chick-fil-A employees appreciate having Sunday off to be with family and friends and to worship if they so choose." Truett Cathy adds, "The Lord set aside one day a week as His day...and He did so for our benefit (Gen.2:3; Mk.2:27).Some people believe that equipment works more efficiently and with fewer breakdowns when it rests.I'm inclined to agree -- especially when that "equipment" is a human being.Thanks be unto God for setting aside one day as a special day, a day for our enjoyment and worship of Him.Thanks be also unto my dear, sweet mother for building our family on a Christian foundation.Without her leadership and guidance, I would not be where I am today in my personal and business life."

        So an essential element of "glue" for fractured families is making Jesus the chief cornerstone; in Him the whole building of God's household is joined together. Let's pray.