"Restoring Relationships, Settling Accounts"

Mt.18:15-35 Oct.6/02

Needing to Put Things Right

We all fall short of God's standards from time to time. Temptation and sin come in many forms, and ensnare even the best Christians from time to time. There's good news though in that we can offer grace to one another in Christ's name when we repent; grace made possible by His cross when He died that we might be forgiven for our own sins.

             Luis Palau is an internationally-known evangelist, but even evangelists "blow it" on occasion -- even with those closest to them. He recalls: "When I returned from a trip overseas, I sensed that something was wrong between Keith, one of our twins, and me. So I asked him, "Keith, have I done anything that really hurt your feelings?" Instantly he said, "Yes.Last Christmas you promised me a special toy that I really wanted and you never gave it to me." The fact is that I'd completely forgotten about it. I probed further: "Is there anything else I've done that I've never asked for your forgiveness?" Again, his answer was immediate: "Remember when Mom said you had to go to the hospital because Stephen was going to be born? You left us at home and took off in a hurry.Remember?" I did. "Well, you took off and forgot the suitcase with all the stuff." I couldn't believe all the details he remembered! "After you left Mom at the hospital, you came back and you were huffy. When you got here, the suitcase had been opened and everything was thrown all over the place. And you punished me."

             My heart sank. "And you didn't do it?" I asked. "No, I didn't." I felt terrible. I hugged Keith and asked him to forgive me. There was an instant improvement in our relationship after that. But his honesty made me think of our other son, Kevin. After all, maybe I'd hurt him, too. I went to find Kevin and I asked him the same question: "Have I ever done anything wrong and never asked your forgiveness or promised you something and never kept my promise?" Kevin's answer was as instant as his brother's had been. "Last Christmas you promised us a special toy and you never bought it for us." Kevin had no idea I'd just talked to Keith about the same thing.

             Though it was way past Christmas, I took my two sons to the store that day and bought them what I had promised. The important thing wasn't the toy that was all the rage at the time. Obviously, it was a big deal to my boys even if it wasn't to me. The problem was I'd made a promise all too lightly and dropped the ball as their father."

             Relationships between Luis Palau and his sons improved greatly that day because he found out what the problem was between them and took measures to set things right. In Matthew 18 Jesus offers valuable guidance for how His followers can patch relationships up when wrongs have been committed and forgiveness is needed.

Protocol for Reproof: Prompt, Private, Persistent, Preserving, Proximate

The first section we're looking at, verses 15-20, outlines a procedure for healing a breach that occurs when a fellow-believer is falling into an obvious pattern of wrongdoing. Jesus said, "If you brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." Some good manuscripts in the Greek lack the words "against you", so the Lord probably is calling us to lovingly reprove one another when we know somebody's sinning, whether the fault is committed against us personally or not. We are responsible for our brother's or sister's welfare in the Christian community, not being like Cain who resisted the implication that he was his "brother's keeper" (Gen.4:9). The attitude of the world may be "mind your own business", leave others be to do whatever they like as long as they "don't frighten the horses". But when we receive Christ and bear His name, yielding our "rights" and wrongs to belong to and be saved by Him, we're at the same time signing up for the privileges and responsibilities that come with being a part of His "body", the church. And as Jesus describes it, the idea is a mutual accountability and encouragement society, subject to His Spirit.

             When we slip into a sinful habit, Jesus calls others to come alongside us to offer gentle and loving reproof, for our own good. A Christian is not independent; we're to submit to one another and seek helpful correction and advice. The first "P" in a protocol for reproof is that it be PROMPT - "go and show him his fault". Don't let it go, don't let it slide by unnoticed; deal with sin before it takes over or spreads. Paul compared sin to a yeast that just takes a little bit to affect a whole loaf (1Cor.5:6). A few verses earlier, Jesus was urging the disciples to eradicate sin from their lives, even if it takes radical measures - better to enter life with one eye than to be thrown into the fire of hell with two eyes (18:9). In Mt.5(23) the Lord said if we're offering our gift at the altar and there realize our brother or sister has something against us, we're to leave our gift there, go and be reconciled to them, then come and offer our gift. Promptly.

             Such reproof at first is to be done PRIVATELY: Jesus says, "just between the two of you". Don't gossip about it or spread it around. Don't berate the individual behind their back, or participate in the sly poison of character assassination. Perhaps this one thing would go further to preventing church conflicts than any other: go directly to the person concerned and take the matter up with them, one on one. If it's serious, it's worth the confrontation. Check your facts, make sure you've got it straight: often we jump to wrong conclusions. Often a person may not even be aware they're doing something wrong, they just need it pointed out, respectfully. Going directly to the person shows respect for their privacy and helps protect their reputation. Don't betray confidentiality if you can at all help it: Proverbs 25(9) warns, "If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man’s confidence." The very first of the 4 planks in Saddleback Church's Membership Covenant is, "I will protect the unity of my church: by acting in love toward other members; by refusing to gossip; by following the leaders." Let's make our church a gossip-free zone! Clear things up directly, one-on-one with the person concerned, don't bandy it about with those who don't "need to know". Reprove Privately.

             But it's also to be PERSISTENT. Jesus says (18:16), "But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’" Maybe someone else will have a knack for explaining it in such a way that the offender will see it differently and understand. Maybe you're off your rocker and are making dragons out of windmills. Having a couple of others brings an element of objectivity and neutrality: you're not just making this up, it's really there, and there's less question of you doing it out of a conflict of interest. Having 2 witnesses also brings additional moral suasion to bear.

             Jesus adds another step in persistence (17), "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church." This is the final court of appeal - the gathered assembly of believers, presumably informed by scriptural teaching and prayer. There's a surprising lack of institutional hierarchy - no mention of priests or pastors or church lawyers, just the congregation. The emphasis is not "top-down" but on "one-anothering".

             Reproof is for the sake of PRESERVING the person. Yes, the Lord does allow a time of withholding of fellowship, treating the unrepentant sinner as a pagan (17) -- but this is not for "punishment" per se. Instead it's a remedial action, carried out with the hope that the isolation and emptiness will bring the person to conviction and induce them to mend their ways. It's a limited time separated from fellowship, not permanent excommunication. The goal is reflected back in verse 15: "If he listens to you, you have won your brother over" -- regained them. The emphasis is on helping the erring sinner, not safeguarding the purity of the community. Restoration is the objective. In 2Cor.2 Paul directs the church to accept back into fellowship the person who'd been under discipline; they are to forgive and comfort him and reaffirm their love for him. James 5(19f) says, "My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins." Preserving, not punishing, is the aim; the whole process is meant to be redemptive, winning the person back.

             And the protocol for reproof also makes it PROXIMATE (close, nearby, from a Latin verb meaning "draw near"). Jesus didn't appoint his mightiest angels to be invisible sumo wrestlers, dragging us to the floor the instant we start to go off track. Nor did He make provision for the church in each country to appoint a roving "Board of Inquisition" to spy on us, wiretap our phone and internet lines, then pounce on Christians who've wandered off the straight and narrow. No, it's you and me as fellow-believers that he puts us in accountability to; our fellow church member, proximate, near-at-hand. They ought to know us best, anyway.

             Look again at verses 18-20. We usually snip verses 19 and 20 out of context and claim them as promises of answered prayer when 2 or more agree, or of Jesus' presence when 2 or 3 gather in His name for worship. But the context is the whole subject of loving reproof and discipline for erring believers, how Christ's community is going to "get along". So when a tough resistant case as in verse 17 is brought before the assembled believers, prayerfully, Jesus is present and backing the "binding" or "loosing" that we church folk guided by the Holy Spirit sense is right to do, what we permit or forbid in our interpretation of His teaching and the circumstances. In delicate questions of reproof, of course, there is an absolute necessity that the group participate in prayer; that there be a consensus of guidance by Christ's Spirit; that there is a general sense of peace about conclusions reached -- that it not be done in a rushed or hasty fashion, but waiting earnestly on God. So we become Jesus' "proxies" or representatives, speaking and dealing on His behalf with the fallen or disobedient. What a privilege and responsibility it is that Jesus entrusts Joe with Jack's welfare, that He authorizes Jane to approach Jill about a problem she's struggling with. This is where we really become Christ's hands and feet in contacting and encouraging and guiding one another by His Word! It's empowerment, not a task to be automatically shrugged off and uploaded to the pastor or deacons. Jesus says, "You do it - you go speak to that struggler; but make sure you speak your truth in love." Maybe next month you'll be needing another Christian to come ask you about something. You are His "proxy".

             Matthew doesn't close this section on life in the Christian community at verse 20. Instead he includes a wonderful story Jesus offered to describe the attitude we ought to have toward others when they've wronged us - not high and pompous, but as fellow "little ones" who've also been forgiven ourselves (18:3).

Discharging a Dingbat of Drastic Debt: the Absurdity of Unforgiveness

In verse 21 Peter brings up the question of how many times he has to forgive someone who keeps on sinning against him. The typical Jewish understanding was that 3 times forgiving someone was the expected limit. Peter went further, asking if 7 times was enough. Jesus replied, "I tell you, not 7 times, but 77 times." (18:22) We're not sure whether Jesus meant 77 times or 490 times: either way, the point is, who's counting? Forgiveness we extend to others needs to be limitless. For that's the kind of grace God has given us.

             Jesus tells the story of a royal servant called in to settle accounts who owes billions of dollars. "Ten thousand talents" is the biggest arithmetical unit (like our "googolplex") with the biggest monetary unit. A talent was 6000 of the unit called the denarius, which was generally a day's wages. In today's terms, at say $50 a day being a denarius, 10,000 talents would be roughly $3,000 million. Mega moolah! This guy squandered big time! The total annual imperial taxes for the region of Judea, Samaria, and Idumea amounted to only 600 talents, so such a debt would be inconceivable even for the governor of an entire province. I think Jesus is exaggerating here for the sake of a memorable story and to make a point!

             Anyway, the king orders all this man's property sold in order to repay some portion of the debt - wife, children, everything. The man pleads for patience, that he will pay everything back - though everybody knows that's impossible. The king took pity on him and, surprisingly, canceled the whole debt - wrote it off. (You can be sure his financial advisor had a word with the king afterward!) Next thing you know, this fellow comes across someone who owes him a pittance by comparison (about 2 millionths of what he owed - a few thousand dollars by our standards). He grabs him and starts to throttle him, demanding, "Pay what you owe!" The man pleads for mercy using the same words the first debtor had pleaded with the king, but this time the second debtor is thrown into prison. Greatly distressed, other servants clue in the king, who hauls the first guy up on the carpet and asks rhetorically, "You evil servant! Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?" then in a rage hands him over to the jailers to be tortured until he should pay back all he owed (never). The "moral of the story"? Jesus concludes, "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." (18:35) Doesn't that send shivers down your spine? Bitterness is bondage. Holding a grudge makes you a prisoner. The other person may be continuing on their merry way, while unforgiveness eats you up inside like battery acid! How can we who've been forgiven so much by the painful, gruesome, tortured death of Jesus on the cross for us, possibly hold the small wrongs of this life against anyone? Let it go, before it destroys you. Unforgiveness is a roadblock that prevents God's love and grace from finding a home in you.

             The Psalmist said (130:3f), "If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared." Paul urged the Colossians (3:13), "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.Forgive as the Lord forgave you." And the Ephesians (4:32), "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Paying for Upset Apples, Seeing Jesus: the Remarkableness of Reconciliation

Other religions emphasize rewards for good works, punishment for sin: Christianity goes further and announces forgiveness for the penitent, based not on our works but on what Jesus accomplished for us at the cross. So Christians should be especially good at forgiving and reconciling, right? How can we grumble about nickels and dimes when Christ has blown the mint for us?

             Consider forgiveness as an evangelistic tactic. The world is not impressed by fancy new church buildings. It yawns over the purchase of organs worth hundreds of thousands, or the latest in sound and projector technology. Unbelievers are oblivious to the number of cars in our parking lots or children in our bus program. But you want to know something that really makes them sit up and take notice? It grabs their attention when wrongs and conflicts are resolved in a loving way, when a Christian forgives someone and chooses to absorb the cost of the injury. That's sheer grace, and the world can't manufacture it: grace comes straight from God's heart and Christ's cross. He paid the cost for our sins, our flaws, our mountainous moral debt.

             Brennan Manning tells us: Several years ago a group of 5 computer salesmen went from Milwaukee to Chicago for a regional sales convention. All were married and each assured his wife he would return home in ample time for dinner. The sales meeting ran late and the 5 scurried out of the building and ran toward the train station. A whistle blew, signalling the imminent departure of the train. As the salesmen raced through the terminal, one of them inadvertently kicked over a slender table on which rested a basket of apples. A 10-year-old boy was selling apples to pay for his books and clothes for school. With a sigh of relief, the 5 clambered aboard the train, but the last felt a twinge of compassion for the boy whose apple stand had been overturned.

             He asked one of the group to call his wife and tell her he would be a couple of hours late. He returned to the terminal and later remarked that he was glad he did. The 10-year-old boy was blind. The salesman saw the apples scattered all over the floor. As he gathered them up, he noticed that several were bruised or split. Reaching into his pocket, he said to the boy, "Here's twenty dollars for the apples we damaged. I hope we didn't spoil your day. God bless you."

             As the salesman started to walk away, the blind boy called after him and asked, "Are you Jesus?"