"Settlering into Marriage"
Wedding of Emily Dow & Trenton Wierenga
July 9, 2003
The wonderful challenge in preaching is communicating God's truth to people with the help of current metaphors and relevant analogies they'll understand. The Old Testament prophets used images from wildlife like eagles and lions, and common tools like plumb lines and yokes. Jesus used parables drawn from everyday life - sowing seed, grapes on the vine, merchants with their accounts, homemakers baking and sweeping. Paul at Mars Hill used the language of philosophy and the classics with which his hearers would be familiar. Today, for Emily's and Trent's wedding, we can learn something from likening God's vision for marriage to a game of Settlers. (For those who don't know, Settlers is a strategy board game Trenton introduced to our family which is very fun and involved and can go on for hours!)
So how is marriage like a game of Settlers? You begin the board game by making a choice -- choosing your colour, and which resources and numbers you want to build on, where you'll be located. "Ideal" spots are hard to come by; so it becomes a matter of weighing the advantages and disadvantages of each possible location.
Thus marriage begins with choosing a partner. Each potential mate we encounter has their own unique strengths and weaknesses; some people we'd be very compatible with, others would drive us up the wall! Today we celebrate Emily and Trent choosing each other to be with for a lifetime. We praise God that you have found a fellow believer in Christ for a mate -- that's so important for Christians, to share a common spiritual foundation and relationship with God as a "third strand" in the rope of your union.
We choose the other sometimes because of, sometimes in spite of, particular personality traits and gifts and quirks. Success in marriage depends on learning to appreciate and treasure and cherish your mate as they are, uniquely sprung from the Creator, not as we'd like them to be. Speaking of the fundamental act of marriage, Jesus said in Matthew 19 that the Creator "made them male and female" - different; marriage is about joining together these two very different creatures into one, not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, socially - in every way. Jesus also emphasized that this requires a man to leave his father and mother in order to cleave to his wife. We are thankful for the good things our parents passed on to us, but the best marriages require a leaving-behind of some traditions and habits and expectations that may have been assumed in our families of origin. For example, I happen to be personally acquainted with the bride's father and can attest that he's had a real struggle with stubbornness and needing to be in control, and no doubt Emily is in danger of this rubbing off on her! But through Christ's grace we can be "born again", made new creatures, and through the Holy Spirit make headway against sinful tendencies. So in choosing our mate, we choose the whole person, with all those areas in which God's still working in their lives to make them more like Jesus.
Undergirding our choice is the assurance that comes from knowing God's choice of us first to be His children through faith in Christ. In John 15 Jesus said, "I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit..." He commanded us to "Love each other as I have loved you." Loving on our own steam, we'd soon be drawing from the bottom of the barrel; God's choice of us and love for us gives us a hidden reserve, an unquenchable spring of divine love from which to draw when people - even our mate - tax us to our limit.
In the game of Settlers, the object is to build your settlements into cities, protect them with city walls, even add improvements like aqueducts and theatres. In marriage, a chief aim is to build up each other as people, as well as the relationship. Paul wrote to the Corinthians that "love is kind" - it builds up and helps out; it is not "rude" or arrogant, it doesn't tear down the other person but edifies them, bringing them to their fullest glory as Christ designed them to be. Of course, in the game, you've got to spend your resources in order to upgrade your settlements into cities; every improvement costs something. In terms of relationship, what we're talking about here is COMMITMENT, being willing to give yourself totally and spend your resources - your time, your attention, your abilities - on behalf of the other person, investing in them. Jesus commands His disciples to love one another. Paul told husbands, "Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church..." He goes on to explain that husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies; "no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church..." So the building is not just of the other person, but Jesus is saying we need to maintain our own selves in order to have something to give. "Love your neighbour AS YOURSELF." The primary way we build up ourselves is through the nurture of a daily walk with God, communicating with Him through reading the Word and prayer. Build up the "city of God" which is both of you in your new home.
One important difference between marriage and Settlers is that in marriage the objective is not to "win", to out-compete the other person, to get the most "points" first. Marriage is a team effort, a co-operative sport. We don't keep score or try to get the longest road. Paul wrote that love is not jealous or boastful or resentful. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs, like a scoresheet. Forgiveness is so important in the long-term, day-in day-out relationship that marriage is. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us": Jesus went to the cross so our sins could be wiped out; that gives us grace to forgive others in turn.
The board game develops by means of building roads and ships to explore other areas, discover resources, and link communities. Roads and ships are means of COMMUNICATION - another essential factor in marriage. Time and energy taken to build understanding of what's going on with the other person are never wasted. Developing one-fleshness only happens when a couple communicates, from the deep emotional levels to basic information such as where you're going when you leave the house.
Jesus highlighted communication when He explained He no longer called the disciples servants but friends, "for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." This making-known is the essence of communication: sharing what's on one's mind and heart. It's the key to true intimacy. As the prayer of St.Francis puts it, "Grant that I may seek not so much to be understood as to understand" - to see and feel things from the other person's perspective.
In Settlers, the main event of the game is trading: as each person's turn comes, they have an opportunity to swap resources and barter on the open market. This is the most time-consuming and possibly fulfilling aspect of the game: getting a "good deal" out of your negotiations with the other players; deals which must also be somewhat advantageous to them.
In marriage, learning to negotiate and find trade-offs is definitely required. CONFLICT RESOLUTION is a skill we all need to improve: working out compromises where the wishes and wants of two people differ. Good marriages have good negotiators. There is a "give and take" aspect of marriage undergirding the unconditional faithfulness, the "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health", especially when those middle-age bulges and bumps and sags begin to appear, when our early dreams and expectations seem to recede beyond our grasp. Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100 - a total giving of oneself to the other person, and often that means yielding our own wishes, giving up something for the sake of your loved one. For Christians, this sacrificing is empowered by Jesus' prior self-giving for us. "Christ loved the church," Paul writes, "and gave Himself up for her..." Jesus said that the greatest kind of love is to lay down one's life for one's friends. 1Corinthians 13 reminds us that love does not insist on or demand its own way -- ouch! That's hard for us selfish, stubborn, fallen humans. Yet because Jesus emptied Himself of His heavenly glory to save us, to rescue His bride, we through His Spirit find we can make "trade-offs" too for the benefit of others.
Seven is a good number in the Bible, but when playing Settlers you don't want a seven to be rolled. That's when the Robber can be placed on your property and your resources stolen. Also an even bigger meany, the Bandit or Raider, advances, and after several sevens can reduce cities back to settlements. You can defend yourself by obtaining knights and "mighty knights", and building city walls.
Similarly, Jesus spoke of a Thief that comes "to steal, kill, and destroy" - Satan, who would rob us of the abundant life Jesus offers. Marriages need to be protected from the "thieves" ransacking society today, destroying lives and families. One such thief is materialism; we thank God that both Emily and Trent have shown ability to follow God's voice in short-term missions work rather than being driven by more lucrative job opportunities. Another thief is impurity. Satan just loves to rob people of their purity, including the blessing that comes from saving sex for marriage. Abstinence has definite pay-offs! Once married, couples need to be vigilant against joy-stealers such as pornography and inappropriate relationships. We all need clear "hedges" or boundaries, and people of our own gender to hold us accountable - kind of like the city walls in the game.
Another way Satan would rob from us pertains to what it means to be a man or woman, the very area God designed marriage for in order for us to experience special fulfillment. Chauvinism and excessive egalitarianism both would interfere with discovering a Biblical appreciation of what it means to be a man or a woman. In Ephesians 5 Paul directs Christians to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Within this overall framework, wives are to submit to their husbands, who are their head as Christ is the church's head. Headship though is not chauvinism, it is not "lording it over" another person, throwing your weight around or being Chief Tiebreaker. Jesus' style of headship is servant leadership -- looking out for and acting on behalf of the other person's best interests, even at the expense of one's own desires, laying down your life because you have the responsibility as well as the ability. It's not about rights but responsibility; he who is the mightiest "knight", the most chivalrous and thoughtful, covering and cherishing his precious ones, wins the title of "Defender of Catan" - or in the home, Defender against Satan.
Enough instructions and explanation about the game - let's get on with playing! We continue with our celebration, realizing that marriage is a beautiful metaphor of the profound mystery of Christ's union with the church. We anticipate the joyful marriage feast at the end of time, when Christ presents the church to Himself as a radiant bride, "without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." That will be the real victory, "Settlering" down into eternity. Let's pray.